By Chelsea Handler

THE EAGERLY AWAITED selection of own ESSAYS FROM THE BESTSELLING writer OF MY HORIZONTAL existence

whilst Chelsea Handler must get a couple of issues off her chest, she appeals to a better strength -- vodka. you'll too should you discovered that your boyfriend was once having an affair with a Peekapoo or if you happen to needed to fake to be honeymooning along with your father as a way to improve to top quality. Welcome to Chelsea's international -- a spot the place absurdity reigns ultimate and a short wit is the simplest defensive line.
during this hilarious, deliciously skewed assortment, Chelsea mines her previous for tales approximately her kin, relationships, and profession which are right away singular and ridiculous. even if she's convincing her third-grade type that she has been tapped to play Goldie Hawn's daughter within the sequel to Private Benjamin, determining to be extra egalitarian via relationship a redhead, or searching for a foulmouthed, rum-swilling little one that seems similar to her...only smaller, Chelsea has a knack for purchasing herself into the main outrageous occasions. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea showcases the candor and impossible to resist turns of word that experience made her one of many most up to date voices in comedy at the present time.

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Extra resources for Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Sample text

I thought about the benefits of telling her the truth about what had happened, but knew that with all the details, I could have spent another four hours in that house, and, truth be told, I wanted to go home and wash my hair. James Sr. grabbed my jacket and we both headed outside to the car. He was very sweet and told me how nice it was to have dinner without any kids. He seemed like a submissive type of guy who was being tortured on a daily basis by his family. His life was not his own, and I knew he would be the perfect prototype for my first husband.

Jodi and I were jumping up and down like a pair of newlyweds. We ran into my room and grabbed a Sharpie. Luckily Goldie’s handwriting wasn’t very legible, so I added “Mom” in parentheses at the end, and, after much discussion, since I didn’t want to continue with the lying but wasn’t willing to tell the truth either, Jodi and I agreed to leave the note open-ended. This is what I added: “My collarbone is on the mend. Can’t wait to start working with you, if the movie ever gets made. Aaargh! ” “You’re absolutely right,” I told her, putting the signed photo in my backpack.

I then walked downstairs into my father’s “office,” found a stamp and an envelope, and placed the letter in our mailbox. ” My father, of course, was the only one up, and was sitting in the kitchen reading the paper. ” I wanted to scream at him and explain the magnitude of the situation. I wanted to tell him that there was a better chance of me shaving my head and walking to school with a dog collar and a leash around my neck than there was of me admitting I had lied. I walked out the door and it was a beautiful spring day.

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